Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize