Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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