I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
