I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
