I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
