Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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