Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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