I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
try to milk me bitch
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