Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
