She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
