i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
