I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
