We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
