I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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