She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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