i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
