I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
