Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
