You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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