tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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