im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
