So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
