someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
