if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
my liver is dry heaving
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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