Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
