the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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