So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
