sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
