Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
