I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
You don't make any sense
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