k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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