I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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