I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
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A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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