I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
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is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
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You brought string cheese to the strip club
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.