Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.