**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.