I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
