My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
