My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
