My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
