Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize