He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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