i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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