Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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