Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
