ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
