my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
