I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
