Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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