I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
