I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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