My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
