Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
