What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
