I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
