You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
